Today is Sunday. Today I decided to leave the farm in my van and drive. I asked one of the guys how to get to the Ocean. I didn't care how far it was, I just wanted to be by the ocean.
Mark showed me a map and it was 2.5 hours there. Great. That is where I am going. On my own. Alone. In my Van.
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about all the places I have lived. I thought about when I lived in the basement apartment on Holmwood alone, and how lonely I often felt. Not a good lonely, but a lonely that I hated and didn't want to deal with. Then I thought about some of the relationships that I had, and how even though I was in a relationship- I still felt lonely.
Today I drove, and I thought.
I thought about one of the best times in my life. When Jesse and I moved in together. I remember us being so excited, and going in and deciding where we wanted to put all of the furniture, and hang stuff. I remember the nights at work that I would be SO excited driving home, as I knew that Jesse and I would sit on the front porch and drink wine and talk about our days. I loved that apartment. I loved that time. I am so lucky to have had that experience :)
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about that time when I was about 22, sitting in my room in North Gower. I remember thinking "is this it?" "Is this what my life is supposed to be"? I felt sad. I felt angry. My outlook was negative. I didn't feel I was living my life, I felt I was wasting my life. I felt trapped. I felt confused and lost. I didn't know how I would get myself out of that situation, and my future seemed dark and meaningless.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought about my going away parties. (yes, parties...I know. I go away a lot..haha). I thought about all of the amazing people that show up. I thought about all of my friends, and our group and how lucky we are to have each other. I thought about how supportive we all are to each other, and how when we come together its like this giant "explosion" oh happiness! (happy ending? haha) I thought about how I met each of the girls, and how I feel like we have all came together for a reason, a purpose. How we are kind of like a animal shelter, we just keep collecting new "strays" along the way that just make our group even more amazing :) Everyone is unique and everyone has a story. We move through the path of life together, helping each other with any struggles and challenges that come up, and keeping each other motivated. We act as mirrors for each others on those days when we just don't feel so great about ourselves. We are the lucky ones...that's for sure.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought about family. I thought about how lucky I am to have mine. I thought about how supportive everyone has been and is to me with this adventure I am on. I thought about all of the things I will do for my family one day when I have lots of money. It made me smile. I thought about how proud I am of each of them, and how I love that we always stick together and have each others backs.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought that time that I "died" inside. After that life changing breakup experience, how I "checked out" from reality for a while. That feeling of a huge hole in your heart. You feel like you are paralyzed. You cant eat. You cant sleep. You want that feeling to go away, but you cant see anything in your near future that gives you hope that it will. I remember lying in bed, in the dark at my moms house in Cumberland. I remember Jesse driving out and coming in to bed beside me. She hugged me and I asked her when this hurt was going to go away. She said that "its going to take time-but I promise it will Em". It did.
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about how blessed I am to be able to drive and think, alone, in my van, in Australia. I thought about all the things I am grateful for. I think in life we tend to forget the "small stuff". We re constantly chasing the big things that will make us happy. We use status and "stuff" to identify who we are. Having lots of things, or a fancy title for your job wont make you happy. We forget that if we go along being grateful for the small things, it will bring you more things o be grateful for. We are like magnets.
It's not everyone's dream to travel. I know that. I am happy with what I am doing. Even though I have barely any stuff, very little money and I am single, I can honestly say that I wake up and start each day happy. I feel happy.
If you aren't waking up each day happy the first step is to figure out why? What is making you unhappy? Is it your job? Is it your relationship? Is it where you live? Is it the friends your surround yourself with? Once you figure out what is making you unhappy, you can always change it. It wont be easy It will be scary as hell. Wandering into the unknown forest is scary as hell...but the chances of there being an amazing rainbow (amazing life) on that other side is high, so it's worth the risk.
This is what happened today....when I drove and thought :)
XO
Mark showed me a map and it was 2.5 hours there. Great. That is where I am going. On my own. Alone. In my Van.
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about all the places I have lived. I thought about when I lived in the basement apartment on Holmwood alone, and how lonely I often felt. Not a good lonely, but a lonely that I hated and didn't want to deal with. Then I thought about some of the relationships that I had, and how even though I was in a relationship- I still felt lonely.
Today I drove, and I thought.
I thought about one of the best times in my life. When Jesse and I moved in together. I remember us being so excited, and going in and deciding where we wanted to put all of the furniture, and hang stuff. I remember the nights at work that I would be SO excited driving home, as I knew that Jesse and I would sit on the front porch and drink wine and talk about our days. I loved that apartment. I loved that time. I am so lucky to have had that experience :)
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about that time when I was about 22, sitting in my room in North Gower. I remember thinking "is this it?" "Is this what my life is supposed to be"? I felt sad. I felt angry. My outlook was negative. I didn't feel I was living my life, I felt I was wasting my life. I felt trapped. I felt confused and lost. I didn't know how I would get myself out of that situation, and my future seemed dark and meaningless.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought about my going away parties. (yes, parties...I know. I go away a lot..haha). I thought about all of the amazing people that show up. I thought about all of my friends, and our group and how lucky we are to have each other. I thought about how supportive we all are to each other, and how when we come together its like this giant "explosion" oh happiness! (happy ending? haha) I thought about how I met each of the girls, and how I feel like we have all came together for a reason, a purpose. How we are kind of like a animal shelter, we just keep collecting new "strays" along the way that just make our group even more amazing :) Everyone is unique and everyone has a story. We move through the path of life together, helping each other with any struggles and challenges that come up, and keeping each other motivated. We act as mirrors for each others on those days when we just don't feel so great about ourselves. We are the lucky ones...that's for sure.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought about family. I thought about how lucky I am to have mine. I thought about how supportive everyone has been and is to me with this adventure I am on. I thought about all of the things I will do for my family one day when I have lots of money. It made me smile. I thought about how proud I am of each of them, and how I love that we always stick together and have each others backs.
Today I drove and thought.
I thought that time that I "died" inside. After that life changing breakup experience, how I "checked out" from reality for a while. That feeling of a huge hole in your heart. You feel like you are paralyzed. You cant eat. You cant sleep. You want that feeling to go away, but you cant see anything in your near future that gives you hope that it will. I remember lying in bed, in the dark at my moms house in Cumberland. I remember Jesse driving out and coming in to bed beside me. She hugged me and I asked her when this hurt was going to go away. She said that "its going to take time-but I promise it will Em". It did.
Today I drove and I thought.
I thought about how blessed I am to be able to drive and think, alone, in my van, in Australia. I thought about all the things I am grateful for. I think in life we tend to forget the "small stuff". We re constantly chasing the big things that will make us happy. We use status and "stuff" to identify who we are. Having lots of things, or a fancy title for your job wont make you happy. We forget that if we go along being grateful for the small things, it will bring you more things o be grateful for. We are like magnets.
It's not everyone's dream to travel. I know that. I am happy with what I am doing. Even though I have barely any stuff, very little money and I am single, I can honestly say that I wake up and start each day happy. I feel happy.
If you aren't waking up each day happy the first step is to figure out why? What is making you unhappy? Is it your job? Is it your relationship? Is it where you live? Is it the friends your surround yourself with? Once you figure out what is making you unhappy, you can always change it. It wont be easy It will be scary as hell. Wandering into the unknown forest is scary as hell...but the chances of there being an amazing rainbow (amazing life) on that other side is high, so it's worth the risk.
This is what happened today....when I drove and thought :)
XO
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